Lately, I've been really busy... too busy to even update myself with what's happening around me. But that's kind of good in a way, I guess. It keeps me from thinking unnecessary stuff.

Ahh.. but one thing's for sure, I'm in financial crisis! This is no joke. I'm seriously thinking that I can't go on like this but I don't dare to take that step... I don't dare to risk it, not knowing whether I'll regret.

I've been thinking.. of course I did. Almost every morning... And in the end, I'll tell myself, "DARE TO DREAM JO. ONE LIFE ONE CHANCE." And I know I wont regret. Even if it seems like I'm wasting time. But then again, why is it a a waste of time? If I were to tell you that I've only got 2 years left to live. Would you still say that all this "pursing a dream" is a waste of time? Being practical is not necessary a "good" thing, it's just the SAFEST way to live one's life. And for a person with a pathetic low self-esteem like me, being on the safest road is comforting. Can you see how contradicting I can be? Yes, I know I'm incredibly hopeless. But hey, who's 100% confident right? Not knowing what the future brings scares me, I wont deny. But what I imagine my future to become gives me hope to look forward. With expectations, comes disappointment and failure. With disappointment and failure comes success. However, without expectations, comes nothing. And like I've said before, the safest route. :/

And the cruel reality? Time.

"Time waits for no one"

"You can't turn back time, what's gone is gone"

Phrases like these can be really scary right? Well, at least for me, it does.

Oh my! I know you're confused. I'm as confuse as you. I don't even know what am I trying to say. It just shows how chaotic my thinkings are. Well, that's the problem. I motivates myself and I demoralize myself as well. And at the end of the day, I'll get so exhausted that I stop.

"ah... I'm tired."

Everything disappears and became empty. It feels empty. As emo as it sounds, I wanna give up. It kinda feels like you're drowning in the water just that you're not exactly drowning. You can breathe. Or maybe like in space. Travelling an endless journey in slow motion. OH! I thought of another one! It's like being deaf in a crowded cross junction. Argh! I know you get what I meant.

It's not always that I'll feel this way. I'm like some retarded blockhead. I can forget about all these when I'm working or doing something. And when I have time for myself, my brain starts running wild again.

hmm.. maybe everyone feels like that too when they have time for themselves.

Geshh! I know what's wrong, I know what I'm missing. I'm just waiting. Meanwhile, I'm growing stronger too, I hope.

- I'm a dreamer